Dear Alexander,
It has been too long since I last wrote you. I know you are very well aware of what I have been experiencing the last several months, but I felt it was time to reach out to you and seek some, if any, advice you can provide me. It is very confusing for me being here in Los Angeles while having the company that I came to work for declare Chapter 7 bankruptcy. That, along with an economy that seems to be out of control has provided me with, easily, weeks of sleepless nights. I think my body actually thinks it is OK to wake up at 3am every morning. I’m sure you’ll give me some reassurance that everything will be OK, but I guess I wish you could give me more than that. Can you? What does the next couple weeks hold for me? Will I have a job, or will I be searching for one in a town I have yet to truly accept as my own?
I’d love to give you a run down of everything that has gone on the last several months, maybe I shouldn’t have let my letters to you fall to the side as I dove head first into my move to Los Angeles. Maybe I was supposed to experience the dramatic changes in my life that have occurred in the last year. I break up with my long time girlfriend, I leave New York and New Jersey for Los Angeles, and my company declares Chapter 11, then Chapter 7 bankruptcy. But, what is it that I need to learn from all of this? What can I take from the experiences? If I was supposed to experience these dramatic changes, am I actually benefiting from it all?
Has everything been just happenstance? I mean, am I looking too deep into everything? Is it really just like finding the little coincidences and putting them together to tell a grand story? I know, I am asking you a lot of questions. I guess my hope is that you might provide me the answers I need. I know you can’t tell me everything. Maybe if you do, I’ll make sure you meet that girl you married. You did get married, didn’t you?
Well, that’s all I can say about that, but I do think we need to keep up the communication. Write soon, I need the advice.
Yours,
Alex
Dear Alexander,
I hope the future is well. I am having an amazing time in Los Angeles. It sure has been a quick two and a half months. I woke up this morning and honestly felt like I had been here much longer. It makes me think a lot about what I have left in New York. Not that I regret leaving anything, but I really notice that as I get caught up in the day to day of life, I forget to talk to some friends. I pay less attention to what is going on in New York. I actually have no idea what is happening in Hoboken. (And to think, I love Hoboken). I guess it is a natural progress of things. I can’t pay attention to everything I used to. However, I can’t take anything for granted either. I need to remember to focus energy on the things in my past that are important to me. I mean, it is the friendships I have developed, the things I have done, and the places I have been that have led me here, sitting on a chair, in my apartment, writing to you from Los Angeles.
I find that I have clung to things that have no meaning in the whole scheme of things. It is interesting how I have placed value on things that maybe didn’t have any value to begin with. At the same time, I think I have allowed myself to devalue things that actually should be much more significant in my life. Maybe I do this because it is easier that way. You know, if I don’t pay attention to the things that actually matter, I forget about them, and they then seem to have less importance. Out of sight, out of mind, people say.
The one great thing about friendship, however, is you can move past transgressions. You can move past insecurities and taking someone for granted, and rekindle that friendship. I hope I take a bit more time out of my week to make sure I do that. It is definitely a sobering experience to move away from all that you are comfortable with. However, I need to make sure I pay attention to what made me comfortable. I need to understand that my emotions, feelings, thoughts and desires are honest and that I can’t ignore them to try and forget them. That, I feel, is really just a “cop out”. I’d rather know I tried, than regret not trying at all.
I was going through a lot of things I have collected over the years, in particular I was looking at some photos. In those photos are past friends, past loves, past enemies and past ideas. One thing unites all of them: They have all influenced who I have become today. Now, do I need to keep all of them? No, and I am sure you are thankful I didn’t because you’d have to deal with them in the future. But, I do need to remember what they meant to me. I do need to pay attention to the events that shaped me. Why did I react the way I did? Why did I get angry that one time, cry that other time, laugh yet another time? What is it that has made me? What wishes have I made over the years that have come true, and what wishes have not.
As I experience all the new things here in Los Angeles, I need to put them with my past things. I can’t mentally shuffle my past under the rug. I hope this has helped you in your life in the future. I wish I could get answers from you on the future. I wish you could tell me, do I live in LA, do I get married, do I have kids, do I learn to surf, do I develop any disease, does anything amazing happen, anything tragic happen, do I make a lot of money, do I travel around the world? I know that you can’t and I appreciate that you won’t. The future will be everything I make of it, and happily that excites me like it has never done before.
Love,
Alex
Dear Alexander,
On the way home today I had to stand on the bus. It is unnaturally warm for this time of year, and I was uncomfortable to say the least. As I stood there I could see everyone on the bus. Each person not looking at anyone. Each person living in a little world all to themselves. Some played with their phones. Others took a nap. But the one thing I noticed about everyone, they were all alone. No one interacted with each other. People tried to make phone calls to friends who were not on that bus, but that was it. I thought about what would happen if I fell over. Who would interact with me? I assumed the people next to me would take an interest, but at that very moment a woman in front of me fell over when the bus lurched. I tried to help stop her fall, but that was it. If anything, the man she fell on was upset at her. He let out a big sigh and shrugged off her apology. He was mad at her.
As I get older, will I be more alone? Will I protect myself from interaction with others on a bus? A child has no fear of the person next to them. They ask a question no matter who that person is. “Why do you wear that funny jacket?”, they might say. But what is it about growing up that makes us more protective and alone. Wouldn’t it be more logical if we talked to each other more? Wouldn’t it be more supportive and helpful if we allowed ourselves to be human?
As you know, I made a big change in my life recently. It has actually been a month now since I broke off my relationship with my ex-girlfriend. Some days I find myself sitting here in the apartment wondering why I made such a drastic change so quickly. Couldn’t I have been more controlled, more protective of her and my feelings? I think I have received more advice that contradicts what I am feeling in the last several weeks than I have ever received before. I know what I need to do, but I can’t seem to do it. I know she may read this, and I know it may be confusing to her, but I hope she understands that I am not trying to do that. Why is it that I seem to go through this same cycle in my life over and over. Every several years I seem to need to make a drastic change. I left my first job and broke up with my first serious girlfriend all within a few weeks of each other. Do I keep up this pattern through my life? Hopefully not, it is not fun.
I have been happy though, because I have tried to make sure I continue to write and draw and read. I am spending my time alone in the apartment trying to make sure I don’t just sit and watch TV. I hope you continue to express yourself in the future. You need to.
Tonight is the New Hampshire Primary. It is amazing I am coming on my 9th “presidential cycle”. Did we ever fix any of this shit going on now? I sure as hell hope so, because I think I might get really bored of hearing the same presidential speech the rest of my life.
Love,
Alex