I wanted change and excitement and to shoot off in all directions myself, like the colored arrows from a Fourth of July rocket.
- Sylvia Plath
Only two months ago, if you asked me, “Alex, what will you be thinking about on February 4th, 2008?” I would not have answered, “We’ll if you want to know, I am trying to decide if I should move away from all I know in Hoboken and New York, and head to Los Angeles.” I jumped on the opportunity to have this option in my life, but now that I have it, I don’t know what to do with it. Actually, if I know anything for certain, it is that I am damn glad I have a lot of music to listen to, and this blog to write in, because I might be up all night with anxiety.
I have spoken with my friends Jayme and Stefan tonight. I also spoke with my father. My mother, well, she is my mother, and she does not want me to go, period. Each one has given me some very good advice on making this major decision in my life. However, I am still far from being able to conclude if I want to do this. How am I going to be able to? For every argument for, I have a counter argument against. I am going to ask for a few more days to make this choice. I need to feel I am doing this for the right reasons.
I have not ate dinner yet, not even hungry. but I know I need to eat. So, I am ordering up some Lamb Vindaloo. Nothing better than some spicy lamb to help one think. The order has been placed, and I’ll be eating late. At least I can make a choice about food with convinzione.
If I can not sleep, I will write again.
Until then,
Alex
Can you say redonkulous?
Dear Alex,
There will come a time in your life where certain actions will paralyze your progress. You’ll sit in a chair, or at your desk, or in your car, and contemplate how are you going to make the next step. If I remember well, you have actually been in that place recently. Too often you have found yourself searching for an immediate answer, and I need you to understand it is not always there. I am proud of you for standing strong when you need to. However, I know you tend to wear your heart on your sleeve, and you feel that this may be a weakness. It isn’t. As you grow you’ll find that too many people never let anyone know how they feel. You though, always will. I am very happy in my life right now, and most, if not all of it, has to do with being honest with yourself and those you love.
I won’t tell you if I have kids or not, or even if I am married. I think that is something you need to discover for yourself. You joked with me about presidential speeches, and I am sad to say, you’ll still hear the same speech over and over. If anything, I have learned that knowing the future is not as important as knowing the past. I am glad you and I have experienced the things that we have. From the simple things, like having a hangover, to the horrible things, like losing your best friend, it will make you a better person. You’ll remember the pain you felt when Jimmy died, but it will allow you to feel honest compassion for your friends and family when they pass. You will remember your failures, but they will allow you to do a better job the next time. You will remember your past loves, but they will allow you to love even better.
Pay attention, not to me, not to Papa, not to Mama, not to Neal, but to yourself. Don’t focus on making everyone around you happy. If you make sure you are happy, and I don’t mean selfishly happy, but honestly happy with yourself, then everyone around you will be as well. I remain creative and expressive. I allow myself time to read and time to reflect. I’ll even use the cliche statement: Don’t live to work, work to live. That, Alex, might seem like common sense, but it so easy to fall into that trap.
It seems like only yesterday I was 31. It was a great year for us. You’ll see. Hey, if anything, it was the last year of George W. Bush. And, I am happy to say, you won’t see a worse president any time soon. I am sure you want to continue to ask me about the future, and I will hope you will. It will help you understand your position in life now. Remember that when your progress is paralyzed all you need to do is remain focused, pay attention to your heart and mind, and you will move ahead quickly, filled with conviction, and you will make the right choices. Mama and Papa raised you well, and they are still very proud of you.
Tell your friends I say hello, I don’t see many of them anymore. I do have a lot of good friends now though, so don’t worry, I don’t become an old hermit. I do give up drinking like you do, I mean, there is only so much beer an old man can take.
Love,
Alexander
PS: You should see the shit kids pull today. Driving into a ditch in your car is nothing.
by alexmctighe on January 25, 2008
in Music
I just got back from Burlington, Vermont. I spent a great three days with my friends Joe and Adam and their band Bill Owen’s Five. They got an awesome gig playing at Nectar’s. They opened for a band called Blue Method, who jammed out as well. We all rented a private vacation home in a town called Alburg, VT. Alburg is five minutes from the border of Canada. I wish I had brought my passport, it would have been fun to drive to Montreal. We were so close.
Poor New York has suffered from a couple days of serious cold, but let me tell you, it is nothing like the cold in Vermont. I think I may have said to people that I would like to live in Burlington, VT. Sorry Burlington, I take that back. Lake Champlain was only partially frozen when we got there, by this morning it was completely frozen, ice fishermen included.
Friday, the trip starts. I head over to Jackson and Observer Streets in Hoboken where the band has studio space. Deep in the bowels of an old factory they practice. Low pipes, the smell of pot and patchouli, and about five million wires reminded me of my fraternity house. We packed up the van, our cars, and got ourselves together. Finally we leave at eight in the evening and the long drive begins. (Which, for some reason, I chose to drive the entire way) Joe, Maria and Michelle road with me. Maria is Joe’s fiance and Michelle is a good friend of the band. It could have been an epic road trip, but the only wacky thing that happened was I pulled a few “emergency break” slides in a gas station parking lot. We arrived at 2 am. I crashed, they partied until 5.
Saturday, the big day, and everyone was stoked. Sixteen of us, including the band members, chill out at the house. We thought the best idea was to send two friends to go do the breakfast shopping. Mind you they were stoned beyond compare. Three hours later, they return, they cook, we eat, others clean. As everyone got ready, the energy was intense. We all knew this would be an awesome show. At 445 the first van comes to take the band, the rest of us leave at 645. Now, mind you, we are 45 minutes from Burlington. In the middle of nowhere. Our driver, Will, blasted the Neville Brothers all the way down.
We arrive at Nectar’s, head inside and eat. Nectar’s is famous for their Gravy Fries. Thank you for the Gravy Fries. Thank you for Beer, especially Magic Hat’s Circus Boy. After about an hour, the crowd packed in and the Bill Owen’s Five went on stage. They played a great set close to 2 hours. People rocked out. The band was spot on.
When we left, we were all a mess. Good thing we got the vans. We got back to the house around 3am. We proceeded to lose all sense of normalcy. Sadly, the band did not go all “rock star”. Sleep occurred at sometime. People passed out, people threw up. Everyone loved everyone way more than they could imagine.
We got up on Sunday. We did nothing. Honestly, nothing. I spent the entire day in the same thing I woke up in. Hurray for that. I take that back, we ate, drank and watched the Giants make it to the Super Bowl (Go G-Men!).
So, now we get to Monday, and we leave, somewhat miraculously, at 730am. I did not drive. We hit up a real local diner, complete with an unheated bathroom in the back and then continue on our way. By 1030 we had a flat tire! By early afternoon we were back in Hoboken. Time to go to bed.
If you get a chance, check out the Bill Owen’s Five. They are playing at the Goldhawk in Hoboken on January 30th.
Rock On!
Alex
Dear Alex,
Thank you for the letters you wrote. Mama thinks it is nice you still think of me. I took your advice and bought a Gremlin for my birthday. I hope you still have it, I want to keep it forever. Do you still like the movie? I love it, especially the Gremlin. I wish I could have a real one. School is fun. We don’t get to play outside now because it is cold, but I love recess. Do you still get to play a lot? Neal, Nick and I go on adventures together. Do you remember the cool park behind Nick’s house? We know the place better than anyone. Have you ever come back to play with Nick in the park? I think you must, because he is Neal and my best friend. I am sure you guys will go on a lot of adventures together.
Mama and Papa are taking us to North Carolina again. This time we are going with Jarrett and Jason and Joseph and Aunt Joann and Grandmom. It is going to be a lot of fun. I can not wait. Do you remember this trip? Was it as fun as I think it will be? I think Hatteras Island, North Carolina is my most favorite place I have ever been. I love climbing on the dunes and jumping off of them. I think I jumped the farthest last year. Papa bought us boogie boards. They are really fun. I hope you still like to go to North Carolina, because it is the best.
What is it like being old? I think Papa is almost 40 years old now. Mama is too. Do you have kids yet? If you do that must be really cool. I mean, you must have kids and stuff, you are 31. Mama was 30 when she had me. Do they call you Papa too? Where do you live now? Have you stayed near Mama and Papa? Mama wanted me to ask you if you are behaving? Does Mama still ask you questions like that? She always seems worried about you, not so much me. I guess it is because I still live with them. They know what I am doing all the time.
I have been drawing a lot of cool pictures. Neal and I have lots of drawing pads. We love to draw. I think it is a lot of fun to draw cool little worlds and places. Mama and Papa have this book of Goblins and Fairies. I wish I could draw like that. Do you still like to draw? Have you drawn any cool things like me? Do they let you draw at work? We have art class in School. It is really fun, we make a lot of stuff. The other day we took paper mache and put it on a balloon. When it dried we popped the balloon and we were left with the paper only. It is fun because then we could paint them any way we wanted. I painted mine like a monster.
Well, it is getting late. Mama says it is time for bed. I don’t want to go to bed.
Love,
Charles
I am home, spending quality time watching bad TV. I just saw what I believe to be the most frightening commercial ever. It is for the Olive Garden. In it there is this couple, who, for some reason, is way too excited to be at Olive Garden. The waitress, who I will call the Devil, strides over to the couple and produces a smile only the Devil could love. The couple is demented as well. But wait, then it gets worse, they show the new dishes at Olive Garden. What is a Rollatini? Who in their right mind would eat that stuff? If the people in the commercial are any representation, the Devil and his demon spawn would.
So, the award for the most repulsive and frightening commercial in the world goes to Olive Garden. Second in line are the Rachel Ray commercials for Dunkin Donuts. Can some one please cut off her thumb?
That’s all I have to say about that.
by alexmctighe on January 11, 2008
in Videos
Dear Alexander,
On the way home today I had to stand on the bus. It is unnaturally warm for this time of year, and I was uncomfortable to say the least. As I stood there I could see everyone on the bus. Each person not looking at anyone. Each person living in a little world all to themselves. Some played with their phones. Others took a nap. But the one thing I noticed about everyone, they were all alone. No one interacted with each other. People tried to make phone calls to friends who were not on that bus, but that was it. I thought about what would happen if I fell over. Who would interact with me? I assumed the people next to me would take an interest, but at that very moment a woman in front of me fell over when the bus lurched. I tried to help stop her fall, but that was it. If anything, the man she fell on was upset at her. He let out a big sigh and shrugged off her apology. He was mad at her.
As I get older, will I be more alone? Will I protect myself from interaction with others on a bus? A child has no fear of the person next to them. They ask a question no matter who that person is. “Why do you wear that funny jacket?”, they might say. But what is it about growing up that makes us more protective and alone. Wouldn’t it be more logical if we talked to each other more? Wouldn’t it be more supportive and helpful if we allowed ourselves to be human?
As you know, I made a big change in my life recently. It has actually been a month now since I broke off my relationship with my ex-girlfriend. Some days I find myself sitting here in the apartment wondering why I made such a drastic change so quickly. Couldn’t I have been more controlled, more protective of her and my feelings? I think I have received more advice that contradicts what I am feeling in the last several weeks than I have ever received before. I know what I need to do, but I can’t seem to do it. I know she may read this, and I know it may be confusing to her, but I hope she understands that I am not trying to do that. Why is it that I seem to go through this same cycle in my life over and over. Every several years I seem to need to make a drastic change. I left my first job and broke up with my first serious girlfriend all within a few weeks of each other. Do I keep up this pattern through my life? Hopefully not, it is not fun.
I have been happy though, because I have tried to make sure I continue to write and draw and read. I am spending my time alone in the apartment trying to make sure I don’t just sit and watch TV. I hope you continue to express yourself in the future. You need to.
Tonight is the New Hampshire Primary. It is amazing I am coming on my 9th “presidential cycle”. Did we ever fix any of this shit going on now? I sure as hell hope so, because I think I might get really bored of hearing the same presidential speech the rest of my life.
Love,
Alex
by alexmctighe on January 8, 2008
in Music
So I did it. I went to the MoMa by myself. I traveled through the entire museum and experienced some of the greatest art the world has to offer. I do suggest to anyone who can, go to the Museum of Modern Art soon. At the risk of sounding a bit over emotional, it was moving. It was an experience which breed optimism. I was actually moved when I saw Alexander Calder’s mobiles. I could remember with such distinct feeling the emotions I had as a little boy while in Washington D.C., seeing his massive mobile hanging in the National Gallery of Art. The delicate balance of each piece slowly moving in the air conjured memories I had hidden deep in my brain. It was beautiful. In a photography exhibit, Dorthea Lange’s portraits and Diane Arbus’s pictures of mentally retarded people were taken with such reverence for the persons in the photos, you could almost imagine they were actually there, and you, the viewer, was lucky enough to see them at that very alluring and engrossing moment. The master artists like Jasper Johns and Andy Warhol mixed in with lesser known artists like Piero Manzoni and Gino Severini made each stop on the journey a place to spend hours.
Saturday night I went out for my friend’s 30th birthday. She and I have known each other now for about 12 years. It was an interesting party, filled with people from my past, all too grown up for my liking. A friend from work and also a friend I made through a co-worker came with me. I brought them along into my world, something I have seemed to have trouble doing for a while now. Now, I can’t say my friend from work was truly excited to be there (though she did go to the same college as I did) as she was also tired from the night before. And the friend I made through my co-worker, well he had other things on his mind that we really did not discuss. But I think he was happy to be away from his thoughts or sitting in his apartment. I left at 330 in the morning, got home after 4am only after having one more beer with one of my best friends who is going through a lot of the same things I am, it was a comforting moment and though I was drunk, I appreciated it immensely that he stayed out with me for one more beer.
Sunday, I went to see “There will be Blood”. I believe it is in limited engagement right now. This movie was a masterpiece of acting and story telling. I could see some people feeling let down by the movie. However, I went in with high expectations and was still very impressed. From the first scenes of the movie, to the very last line, you experienced a wonderful dramatic story about one man. That was what this movie was about. It was not a movie about oil. It was not a movie about religion. It was a movie about one man, alone, against the world. I hope you will see it, and I hope you love it as much as I do.
Goodnight,
Alex
Dear Chas.,
So, next week you go back to school. Are you ready for the rest of the year? What grade are you in now? Don’t be sad the Christmas break is over, you will have a spring break coming soon and you get three months off in the summer. What I would give to have three months off again. I stayed home from work today. I went out with friends last night, had a few too many beers and it allowed a bug to take hold. You’ll wind up liking beer. I know you probably don’t see the point now. Staying home while everyone else is at work is a very weird experience. It is like staying home from school, only the cartoons are not fun and the daytime TV is so bad you almost wonder if anyone really watches it. (While you watch it). I am feeling pretty crappy, but it is my own fault. You’ve definitely need to remember that, you make ALL the choices in your life.
Tomorrow I am going to go to the MoMa in New York. They have a display of George Seurat’s drawings. (It is the last weekend). I will probably being going by myself. I think it might be very therapeutic to go and explore the museum alone. I hope it will inspire me. I attempted to paint on January 1st. It was not very inspired, more like a feeble attempt to distract myself from the post New Year’s Eve boredom I was experiencing sitting in my apartment. But, that is a goal of mine this year, to continue to be more creative and expressive. I do not want to become a stereotypical man. Mama and Papa did not raise you or I to be that way, but it is very easy to fall into. I also want to see Alexander Calder’s mobiles. You will go with Mama, Papa and Neal to the National Gallery of Art in Washington DC and see one of his most famous hanging there.
So, how is Nick? Did you, Neal and Nick hang out together all Christmas break? Cherish every moment you have with Nick, because later in life you won’t see him. Our lives have split and we really never talk. You spend all the waking moments you can with Nick, while I couldn’t tell you what he is doing right now. His mother, Mary, and Mama remain very good friends. So, I do hear things now and then. The point is this, nothing is permanent in life, but that does not mean it is not worthwhile to dedicate yourself to something or someone even if it is for a short time. Stay focused on your passions and friends. Make sure you play as much as possible. But, remember, don’t run away from anything in life. You don’t want to become an “escapist”. If you find you are in a struggle, just making a complete change so the struggle does not have to be dealt with is the wrong thing to do. Why? Because the struggle actually remains, and it weighs down on your soul. If you keep doing that, then you wind up running away from magical things in your life and you wind up constantly searching for the next “stimuli” so you can feel alive.
My friend Jay is up in the area but I won’t be seeing him. Neal saw him though, which is good. I miss Jay and his wife Tara. They have a baby boy named Ethan and I don’t know when I will see him again. He was born here in NJ, but they moved to Arkansas soon after. (Tara is from Arkansas) Here is a friend I need to be more in touch with. He has been my friend for years (actually he was friends with Nick too). So, another one of my 2008 resolutions is to be in touch with my friends. So, as you grow up, try and remember to always reach out to your friends, no matter the distance and how much work you have, or how many things you have to do. When you are old and gray, you will only have your friends and family.
It is time to continue to be lazy in my apartment. Have a good night, listen to Mama and Papa, and don’t leave your apple cores lying around.
Love,
Alex
The first day of work is always the hardest after a long break. (I was out of work for 11 days straight) I spent most of the day contemplating - what is it that I actually do? Now, I’d tell you all what I do, but I assume (for the worst) that my company may not appreciate me mentioning them in any way that is not positive. Now, don’t get me wrong, I do like where I work. My co-workers are fun and I consider them my friends. That makes it much easier to go to work everyday. However, I have been in my business now for about nine years. It has been a roller coaster ride to say the least. But I can’t help but feel I have not been utilizing my potential and intelligence in a way I should be. If you are going to ask me what that is, well I have no idea.
Next door to me is a French family. Their apartment is connected at the kitchen and living room to mine. All night long I hear the sounds of two little children running up and down the apartment. I think of it this way, if that family of four can live in the same size apartment as I do and they seem happy, I sure as hell better not complain about where I live. The husband is a Math Professor and Researcher. (He made sure I knew that, because I made the mistake of asking him what he taught at university) The Wife, I believe, stays home through out the day. The two children are very sweet children, no older than 3 and 6. I never hear them fight, yell, cry. I just hear them live, cramped, and in love. I am finally glad they are my neighbors, at first I was worried the children would be a problem. (Especially if I came home late and drunk and woke them up). It reminds me that I need to remain focused on the future, but also remain grounded in what I have learned growing up. My Mother and Father taught me to respect everyone, and why I wouldn’t is beyond me. Maybe it is living in Hoboken, and working in New York. The speed at which we all move here is insane. If you forget you are alive, you start to be disgusted by everyone around you. You push them out of the way when they are slow, and you feel like spitting on them when they invade your personal space. But, once you remember you are alive, and you control your destiny and your emotions, you realize you are the slow one, you are the one that invaded the personal space. And, then, you move on.
I hope everyone who has read,or will read, this and my other “posts” has a wonderful New Year. Make choices in your life that truly reflect who you are. Remain alive, don’t let the trance of work, sleep, work, sleep, work, play, sleep make you forget that.
Happy New Year!
Alex
by alexmctighe on January 1, 2008
in Videos
Dear Alexander,
The last day of 2007 is here. Do you remember how it went? I’d like to be prepared. I am going to a “party” at a bar in Manhattan called Johnny Utah’s. Not sure what to expect. One of those last minute impulsive choices. It has a mechanical bull to ride. I am hoping this is not a party of gimmicks to distract me from the 100 bucks I spent. I will leave if it sucks…maybe meet some other friends out, or just go home.
Neal is still here at the apartment. He was just playing Grand Theft Auto on the PS2. He and I have probably wasted days of our lives playing that game. We had breakfast at a place in Hoboken called Frozen Monkey Cafe. They have an exhibit of an artist Angie Mason. Beautiful and interesting work. Do you still have the prints I got from Jamungo, and how about the little “toy” and print? On our way there, we walked across Indian Food and Dog Poop on the ground. You have to love Hoboken. (note: Neal had Dog Poop on his shoe)
I have made some New Year’s resolutions. Did I keep any of them? I think there are plenty of easy ones that should be easy to keep - read more, see movies I always put off seeing, go to the gym. But what about the ones like, keeping in touch with my friends? Did I do a good job with that? How about money? Do I stop spending it all?
In amore non date corpo alle ombre. - “In love, don’t give life to shadows”
A friend of mine introduced me to Eddie Vedder’s soundtrack for the movie “Into the Wild”. I bought it yesterday. It is a wonderful album. I remember being 14 years old and spending hours on the phone with a girl I met, Nicole, and we would talk about Pearl Jam’s album Ten. I wonder where she is now? She moved to North Carolina I think. Her father was a Police Officer. That was the beauty of being young, I could spend 2 hours on the phone and the other person wouldn’t judge it as we do now, older and supposedly wiser. I think I have spent more time playing games as an adult than I did as a child.
Well, I don’t feel I have too much more to say. I am confident 2008 will be a great year. I look forward to making mistakes, learning more about myself, meeting interesting people and having fun. Maybe I will get a new apartment? Should I move? How about work? I look forward to hearing from you. I will be thinking about you.
Love,
Alex
Sitting here with my brother Neal in my apartment in Hoboken. Drinking Hoegaarden and contemplating our next move. We ran out of beer, I think we need to buy more. Listening to Flaming Lips “At War with the Mystics”, Band of Horses “Cease to Begin”, Spoon “Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga”, Eddie Vedder “Into the Wild” soundtrack and some Wolfmother. We are brothers, therefore we do things brothers do: walk around aimlessly always with an aim. Talking about vagina, why it is great, why it sucks.
We have run out of things to say to you. So, fuck off.
Il mondo palpita quand’io son brillo
Thanks,
Alex and Neal
Dear Chas.,
Did you have a good Christmas? I can not remember what you got in 1985. I am sure it was a lot of toys and things to “expand” the mind. I had a good Christmas. Got some things I needed and things I didn’t. Just remember to never take any of this for granted. Your family, as crazy as they may be at times, loves you more than anything in the world. As a matter of fact, Mama and I had a massive fight last night. Why? Who knows. All I know is we are not speaking to each other now. It sucks. The things we said to each other last night were evil and severe. But neither of us can bring ourselves to apologize to the other. I really should go upstairs and tell her I love her. That is why I am asking you to remember how much everyone loves you and how much you love them. Whenever you get a chance, tell them how you feel.
Today we head to Grandmom McTighe’s house. Uncle Doug will be there with Aunt Jennifer and Andrew and Kaitlin. Andrew is probably a year or two older than you are in the picture below. Kaitlin is becoming a big girl, close to 10 now. We don’t see them often, so when we do the transformation from baby to toddler to young child is amazing. I am excited to see them. Afterwords I will head back to Hoboken.
I am reading a book RL’s Dream by Walter Mosley. Remember to read it when you get older. It is a captivating book. The characters are extreme. Walter Mosely truly knows how to write emotion. It is a depressing book, but at the same time, it uplifts me. You will see when you read it. Pay attention to Kiki, you might even feel like you know a girl like her.
It is noon, and I am in the mood for a beer. Have a good day Charlie. It is nice to be off from school. If you hang out with Lex and Gina tell them I miss them.
Love,
Alex
PS: Stick your tongue out a lot, it is fun.
Interestingly, my mother has been going through pictures we have, getting rid of ones she feels are not memorable or meaningful enough to keep. She goes through these purging phases. Though I agree with her choices so far, (I don’t think we need a picture of a neighbor we did not even know) it is a weird feeling to actually throw out a photograph. It is, in fact, the best representation of how we were at the time it was taken. We wore those clothes (egad!), we drove those cars, and we played in the mud in our backyard as little boys. Those pictures are who we were. And, when you look deep at them, they are pictures of who we are now.
It was also interesting to hear my mother ask which one of us wants her diamonds. She does not want us fighting over her things. She points at things and wants us to decide, on the spot, to choose what we want. It is important to her, so I can’t tell her it turns me over inside. I can’t say, “Mama I don’t want to think about when you are not here.” So I say, “I’ll take the diamonds.” And, my brother responds, “Well, then I want the coin collection.” And we try to chuckle, making it light-hearted. I know both of us dread the day we really need to make those choices.
Today my brother, father and I are taking my grandmother’s old TV (she got herself a HDTV) to a woman named Dolores. Dolores was my grandparent’s housekeeper. (Since she was 16, she is 72 now) She is a wonderful lady, and I have nothing but great memories of her. She still lives in Trenton, NJ in a neighborhood which has become run down, but her house is proud. I know she will enjoy seeing us more than the TV, as will we enjoy seeing her. She has the most distinct voice I have ever heard.
My mother just brought me a picture, taken 31 years ago today. I was a cute little bugger. What happened to me?
I was supposed to head down to Raleigh, NC this Thursday and Friday. I was going to explore an opportunity to work there. I decided, however, not to go. Now I have to call the person who I was to meet with and talk with him about it. I feel strongly that I made the right choice, but confronting the situation on the phone is never pleasant. I am sure he will be cordial with me, but deep down I can’t help but feel he thinks I am an asshole for canceling so late in the game. It is better I do not waste his time though. This is really a reflection of who I am right now, who I have become. I want to make choices that reflect what I truly want in my life. Originally I made the choice to go there more on the flattery of the opportunity. I thought, “Hey, it is really cool they think I would do a great job in Raleigh”, and figured I almost owed it to them to go. The same thing goes for my personal relationships as well. I have to make sure the choices I make are confident, and not made because I feel I have to in order to satisfy my friend or lover. Sadly, though, I have found other people are not as receptive to this. People are more comfortable letting things go in life. It is easier to not deal with something, but in the long run it becomes much harder. I know how I feel and I am going to act on it. These feelings are not caused by anyone else, they are my own, created by my thoughts and desires. How many people out there tell someone they care, only to truly not care at all? Sounds pretty dramatic, I know, however it is not….I hope.
Rock On!
Alex
I am way ahead of the game today. The whole family got up early and we have opened presents, ate breakfast, and now we are preparing for the day of gluttony. My brother brought up some of my father’s prized wines that he never drinks. If it were not for a holiday like Christmas, I think my father would hold on to some of these wines until he was 90 years old. We will be drinking Chateau Cos D’Estournel 1986. Good thing my brother has sticky fingers, my father almost took it back downstairs.
My mother has pictures of Neal and I around the desk, here by the computer, from Christmases past. We are showing off brand new watches in one. We must be no older than 6 and 4. I wonder where those watches went and if we actually wore them more than that Christmas morning. The happiness on our faces is so genuine it makes me smile even now.
It has been a comfortable Christmas morning. I feel so protected here at home. The worries of work, friends, lovers, and bills are so distant. I am sure millions of people are feeling the same thing as I am right now. And, I believe, all of us wish we could capture this feeling and bring it with us everyday. To be able to hold onto this feeling is what I think causes people to make New Year’s resolutions. Which, by the way, I have made a list of about 15 already. I wonder how many I will stick to.
It is almost noon, time to get ready for the day. Looking forward to having a nice Christmas beer. Every Christmas I get books from my family about History and “tidbits” of facts. This year was no different, and I got this great book called “History Bites - The Past’s Strangest Moments in Bite-Size Portions” Here is one for Christmas:
Xmas VS. Christmas
Educationalists often deplore the use of abbreviated or slang words, and one of the most commonly used is Xmas, in place of Christmas. Wicked atheists have been blamed for using X in the place of the word Christ, and thus “taking christ out of Christmas.” in fact, the reverse is true. The X has been used by theologians for hundreds of years to denote the Greek letter chi, the first letter in the Greek spelling of the word Christ. The X represents Christ and the cross upon which he was crucified.
Merry Christmas,
Alex
Dear Alexander,
It is about time I wrote you. I know you are worried about me, but I don’t understand why. I had figured you would know the outcome of all this already, but it still seems like you are insecure in the choices I have made and will make. Give me a little bit of credit, you are doing well, aren’t you? I hope you are, I would hate to have any negative effect on you.
Don’t you find it interesting that I could make a choice today that in ten years could make me a millionare or put me in the poor house? I guess sometimes I spend everyday focused on what is happening right now. I forget that, everything willing, I will be alive for years and years to come. I may have kids and get married. I will make friends and lose them. I’ll get a new job, start a new career and then retire. Although this is not a profound realization it is a realization all the same and I am sorry that I have been going ahead full steam without much thought to you. Is there anything you want me to change? Do you think I am doing a good job so far? Maybe this is what you have been worried about?
I have met some very interesting people in the last several years. Do you remember Jimmy? I am sure you do. It is rapidly approaching one year since he died. I remember, this time last year, he had called me on my birthday to tell me I was a “little punk bitch” because I wouldn’t drive back to Hoboken to hang out with him. I laughed, because he wanted me to, but I know he was all alone. He had isolated himself from his son, his ex-wife, his family and friends. He was a man without a home, sleeping on his mom’s couch. He loved the fact that I played along with him that everything was OK. I find, though, that I had started to do the same thing in my life. Ignore what is not well, the sick parts of your life, and it will get all better. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t have the same problems as Jimmy, but I have my own, and I promise you I will face them head on. That is what I should do, right?
Mama is working on getting the house ready for Christmas, she is hoovering around me too. I don’t think she is happy I am using the computer at 850am in the morning. I guess she assumes I will be able to help her all day long, well after everything that has to be done is done. (She just told my Grandmother, “I have three men in the house, do you think anything is getting done?” she chuckled afterwards) I hope I hear from you soon, maybe you can give me some advice on things? If not, I understand, you are focused on your future. Don’t forget I helped you get there.
Love,
Alex
Dear Chas.,
So, Charlie, I turned 31 years old today. The sum of all my actions has culminated into someone I can’t quite recognize. Happy Birthday to me. I hope all is well back in 1985. Hey, tell all your friends that on your birthday back in 1947, the first demonstration of the transistor was made at Bell Labs. Neal told me that, he read it in the newspaper this morning.
Going to hit up the local diner this morning. I will get some scrapple and eggs (maybe some bacon too). Then we are all running down to Grandmom’s. We are going to build her a new closet. It will be an eventful 31st birthday. I discovered not too long ago that I don’t need much to be happy, but I do need to remember to be. Today is one of those days I have to remind myself to be happy. I hope you are happy today. I am sure Papa is going to take you to Toys R’ Us. When you get there, make sure you get something you will want to keep forever.
Neal and I went out to Theo’s last night. Had a few beers. Talked about nothing and everything all at the same time. It was a nice time. I don’t see him enough now that he is the world’s leading scholar on Giordano Bruno. The social elite have him jet-setting to dark exclusive lounges and social hot spots giving lectures to emotionally absent people. Tonight, I would love to hear from a few friends, I hope they call.
Papa is pressing me to get ready. Have a good time Charles and make sure you give everyone a lot of love today. They are all coming by the house just for you, even though Christmas is in two days.
Love,
Alex
